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Literature Text
Confused mutters and endless prattle,
Predicted the hit in vicious battle,
Struck down inch one; a victim of treachery
As a thief steals your memory.
Yellowed skin, thin and frail,
Foretold the blow of mighty flail,
Smote inch two, as a sinner on Judgement Day,
Leaving your body to slowly decay.
Hollowed cheeks and empty eyes,
Heralded the strike of untimely demise;
Killed inch three, like a bird of prey,
Comes to pick your flesh away.
You are dying by inches as I watch.
Death is carving one more notch,
Into his gun. I feel helpless as I cry,
"Please don't leave", as you die.
Predicted the hit in vicious battle,
Struck down inch one; a victim of treachery
As a thief steals your memory.
Yellowed skin, thin and frail,
Foretold the blow of mighty flail,
Smote inch two, as a sinner on Judgement Day,
Leaving your body to slowly decay.
Hollowed cheeks and empty eyes,
Heralded the strike of untimely demise;
Killed inch three, like a bird of prey,
Comes to pick your flesh away.
You are dying by inches as I watch.
Death is carving one more notch,
Into his gun. I feel helpless as I cry,
"Please don't leave", as you die.
We are watching my boyfriend's uncle die of cancer. The end will come at any time now, but it has been such an awful, slow death. Every day, hour, minute a bit more of HIM fades away, leaving a shell of the once vibrant man I have had the pleasure of knowing for five years now.
In the midst of pain though I also see the strength and closeness of the family. Perhaps I should write of that as well.
I would like somebody who can look at this with a bit more detachment then I can manage right now. It is too raw to me. I would ask that my imagery be critiqued as to it's impact and clarity of meaning. Use of punctuation for dramatic pause should probably also be critiqued, but I can't get past the words. I need another's eyes. Anything else pertaining to critiques would be welcome as well, but that is my main focus.
EDIT: Goodbye to a wonderful man. 23 MAR 11
In the midst of pain though I also see the strength and closeness of the family. Perhaps I should write of that as well.
I would like somebody who can look at this with a bit more detachment then I can manage right now. It is too raw to me. I would ask that my imagery be critiqued as to it's impact and clarity of meaning. Use of punctuation for dramatic pause should probably also be critiqued, but I can't get past the words. I need another's eyes. Anything else pertaining to critiques would be welcome as well, but that is my main focus.
EDIT: Goodbye to a wonderful man. 23 MAR 11
© 2011 - 2024 Oceanbird
Comments14
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Overall Vision Originality
Technique ImpactI will be critiquing this poem on behalf of
<img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/g/r/g…" alt="
" title="GrammarNaziCritiques"/>Firstly, your title is extremely intriguing - a great hook to lure your readers in.
Now, the crit:
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Red"/> ST = Stanza<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Red"/> L = Line<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Purple"/> G = Grammar<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Purple"/> P = Punctuation<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Orange"/> R = Rhyme/Rhyme Scheme<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Orange"/> M = Meter<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Blue"/> F = Flow<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Blue"/> S = StructureST 1
L2 - you seem to be missing the word 'the' (predicted the hit in [the] vicious battle)
L3 - your word order is a bit off, 'inch one' should be 'one inch'
ST 2
L2 - you are missing either a 'the' or an 'a' (foretold the blow of [the/a] mighty flail)
L3 - again the word order - 'inch two' should be 'two inches'
ST 3
L3 - again the problem comes in with the word order, however you have a double problem as 'inch three' could work here. So you either have to change it to 'three inches' to keep with the uniformity or leave it as it is to give your poem something different. The choice lies with you.
ST 4
L2 - there should not be a comma at the end of this line
Your grammar (apart from the occasional word order) is superb and I love the way you have used your punctuation.
S & F are superb
The R works even though the M may not be consistent.
Your imagery is superb and I love how you sum it all up in the final ST.
Jo